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Posts Tagged ‘children’

Sicko

Boy, have we had it bad at our house.  Our sweet Candace, aka Candy, has bronchitis!!! Last month she had pneumonia and strep throat.  We have had three antibiotics in five weeks.  She is a really good patient and does not complain very much. 

It breaks my heart as a mother to see my children suffer in anyway.  Whether they are suffering from illness, friend hurts, school dramas or personal growth issues I just want to be there to help them through the process.  It is really important to me to make my children feel that whatever is going on with them they are my top priority.  I want them to know they are number one in my book. 

When my children are sick I love to get them anything that they think with make them feel better.  Candy has wanted sushi for lunch for the past two days.  She has not been eating very much so I am thrilled to get anything that might make her eat!  I got all her favorites yesterday, mandarin orange segments (six cans), fudge sicles, sushi, crab sticks and chocolate milk.  We cuddle on the couch and watch movies and today have watched “Who’s wedding is it anyway?”.

My prayer is that they will feel my love and compassion.

What do you do for your children when they are ill?

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I would apologize for being so honest but that is why I started blogging. I wanted somewhere that I could be real and explore the ups and downs of my journey towards a closer walk with God and finding out who He originally made me to be.

I love reading happy blogs, I love having a happy site, but for me right now that is not always real.

Right now I am pushing on. My circumstances really have not changed for the better but I must continue to find ways to push on towards joy and peace. There are a lot of great things in my life that I am truly thankful for and that keeps me going. I am trying to departmentalize so that I do not let the negative infect my entire day.

I know God is with me. I know He is using these situations to bring me to a new place. I have such a range of emotions and really want to keep feeling. No stuffing these feelings with anger, food, exercise or spending. I want to enjoy all three of those so I do not want any of them to be out of balance. I have no money to spend so that makes that one easy, lol. I have not been exercising and that is not balance for me. I am working on that one. The eating is at a pretty good place. I go from very angry to weeping to numb. Numb keeps me in the game of life, angry is not pretty and weeping is just not fun!

I do find joy in my children, my friends and my job right now. My job gives me a structures that keeps me from thinking to much. My children are like balm to my heart. Their love makes it easier to breathe and keep moving. My friend Rob knows when to push and when to shove and when to listen. I need all sides of her. My God just keeps gently reminding me that He is beside me.

I really don’t have time to break down. I need to push on, keep moving and I think I will be okay. Wallowing in self pity really does not look pretty on me. :0)

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It has been a hard week on every level, God, homework, work, finances, marriage, friends with losses, exercise, eating. You name it and I have struggled with it. I feel panic rise up and it is hard to breathe some moments. The good thing is I know God is real in each of those situations and willing to meet me, I just cannot seem to reach Him. I am old enough to know this too shall pass. I just hate it at the moment. My energy level is low, my heart is sad and it is hard to keep moving. I am thankful I have Candace at home that demands that I keep moving, to me that is a gift from God. I can be down for myself, but I don’t want to let my kids down. For me that is a safety net that keeps me from spiraling to low.

I am not sure what to do but keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my heart today and I will pray for yours.

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Coming to terms

I keep blogging that everything is perspective, then I get discouraged about something else and forget to look at it from all views.  I have been very discouraged about Candace and her struggles with school.  I can see where I have not been involved with her education in the past.  I relied on Keith and Kayla to take care of it.  I really had a blind eye to it all.  Now Keith has a new job and Kayla is gone.  GUESS WHAT, I am all that is left!  I have felt bad for her and felt bad about my lack of helping and input into her life.  (And I am not just talking about adademics)   I abdicated a lot to other people.  I was going through a huge metaphorisis and some of my parenting got put to the side and I let others do it.  I have been feeling really guilty about that and was feeling really bad about myself.  It had been all about me for a long time.    The last nine months I have been getting refocused but it is hard now to look back and  to see how much I let go.  Anyway, in my discouragement I was praying and the Lord told me that He was my Redeemer and that I cannot change the past, but He could use me in the future in new ways to help my kids.  I felt this peace flood my heart.  It was like He said, All is not lost, I am going to restore and make better these relationships.  I am excited now.  I am not dreading Candace’s struggles.  I know God is going to use me to help her in many ways.

Kayla is another story.  She probably got the brunt of the changes that I went through.  Her mom was totally different, self centered for the first time, not as approachable, looking outside the home at others, had new friends, interest and a new career     For a time I was possessed with myself and my changes.  Gradually I got more balanced but I know it was not a good feeling for a 13 year old.  Again, the guilt has been enormous for me.  I know Kayla was happy for me but it was very tramatic for her.  She has been oh so kind and forgiving but I worry about the long term effects to her heart.  Yet, again, God has told me I cannot change the past but He can use me in her future.  The hard part for me is that she is 18, away at college, a very independent woman who loves the Lord.  She does not need me the same as Candace.  I lost some precious time with my child but am trusting the Lord He will use me in her future.

Reaping is hard but is also joyous.  I am reaping from the past, but I am sowing for the future and that gives me hope.   🙂

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UPdate

Keith and I talked and we are going to go for one night and then I am going to stay the second night and get some studying done.  Candace can do anything for 24 hours and I won’t feel guilty about that, so God did answer our prayers.

Keith is out trying to get me gas.  He could only find premium after going to three places.  Thankfully we only needed a little to be full.  I am praying for Texas tonight.

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Lord, please help me

Lord, I do not know what to do. Keith and I were given a cabin for two days. Leave Wednesday at noon come back Friday at noon. Sounds heavenly, BUT what to do with Candy. She really does not enjoy going to her grandparents because they stick her in front of the tv or computer for most of the time or have her cousin come over and he dominates everything they do. She cries when she has to go for two or three hours. Our neighbor who she loves cannot help. It is her Fall break also. The whole point in going away is for us to be alone, if we took her, I might as well stay home. My heart is torn. If we go up there and she calls us crying that would kill me. I am with Candy every day after school until bedtime. We are glued at the hip. I need some down time and time alone with Keith. What do we do?

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I cannot do this! Everyday I go to the bus stop with fear and trepidation. Candy gets off the bus and we walk home and talk about the day. Before we get in the door I say, “Do you have any homework?” (which is a stupid question because every Monday through Thursday they have homework) Candy takes a deep breath and says, “Yes.” My spirit drops and my armpits start to perspire.

We have a nice snack, talk about what she had for lunch, and start getting out the 50 pound of books that she has carried in her book bag. Today she had a sub for reading and science. Candace said she is the meanest and rudest woman alive. Her name was Mrs. Fink or Hink. I admit total immaturity and told Candy I would have given her $5 if she had accidentally called her Mrs. Stink. We had a good laugh and got down to business. I  try so hard to be upbeat.

First it is exponents. An Exponent, are you kidding me, who needs them. I am sure they really are not important. We do a entire sheet of math review. We have to put question marks by the exponents so Keith can help her when he gets home. Then it is on to Science. Bacteria and fungi are not so bad. Last but not least is Grammar. I was not good at grammar in grade school so you can imagine how good I am at it 30 something years later. I do like prepositions for the most part so today was not so miserable. We only have reading left. Today only took and hour and fifteen minutes.

Candace is really trying. School is hard for her. I am praying that the light will go on and spread peace to her heart. I think school really is stressful for her because of her lack of confidence. I pray every day that she will gain confidence and feel good at school and about herself.  I don’t want her to have dread and fear each day.

Now I must figure out what to have for dinner and that is depressing because I am so tired of eating the same thing over and over.  I live on allrecipes.com looking for some new and innovative recipes to wow my family, but that is another blog.

Keith came home and helped her with the exponents and pointed out a couple I had told her incorrectly. 😦  I made up a snappy new chicken  with leftover pasta.  I guess things are looking up for the evening.   I am feeling tired and out of control, I need to get on a more positive note.

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