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Posts Tagged ‘college’

Sunday lunch

I miss Kayla at the oddest moments. Wells of emotions come up from no where, they catch me, grab my heart and squeeze.

This summer before Kayla left for college last week we did not see her a lot. (I think she was trying to get us used to her not being around, lol) When I left for work she was a sleep, when I came home she was up and ready to go out. We ate some lunches together, she was home some for dinner, and we shopped together for college needs. The pool was fun for Candace, Kayla and I, but usually she was ready to go explore the city with Joseph and Joe.

There was no pattern this summer when we would see Kayla EXCEPT every Sunday lunch. Kayla went to her church, we went to ours and then we all came home and ate lunch together and usually hung out together. It was never an elaborate lunch. Many days we made a simple lunch of sandwiches, salads or tuna fish. We usually fixed it together and then we three girls went to the pool or shopping. Eating lunch at home on Sunday has been the one constant we have had over the last year.

As I was laying in bed this morning I was planning the day and what we would have for lunch. I did not realize until then that she would not be home for lunch today. WOW, I never thought Sunday lunch would be so emotional for me. I am weeping as I write this and realize once again the depth of my love for Sissy.

Candace is sick today so her and I did not go to church today, we will need to find something to eat around here, but I can tell you next Sunday after church we will probably stop at Wendy’s or Moes on the way home.  For a while, I don’t think I want to eat Sunday lunch at home.

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Color therapy

Candace and I painted and colored last night for about 3 hours.  We made Sissy (Kayla) any number of splatter art pictures and filled a box with goodies to send to her in college.  I think it made us both feel better and somehow she did not seem so far away.

It was messy.  Some of our art did not turn out, and that is putting it nicely, but boy did we have fun.

While we were coloring my prayers were being answered,  Kayla was out forming new friendships, laughing and having a great time.

I slept with a lighter heart last night.

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I used to try and feel the correct emotion. Now I know if it is an emotion it is just how you feel. It does not mean they are rational, true or something you have to live your life by, but it is a mirror of your heart and things that are going.

We took Kayla to school yesterday and I was flooded with emotions. I would keep them under control and then a dam would break and they would coming flooding out. It was that way pretty much until I fell a sleep.

As I was following a sleep last night I remembered one more moment from the day. Kayla and I were in front of her closet and she was hanging up her jeans. As she hung up a pair she smelled them and said, Ah, they smell like home. At the time it was sweet but it did not sink in until I was laying in bed thinking about her and our day. I realized that as time goes on she will wash those jeans and they will smell like her new home. I wanted to immediately send her something that would “smell like home” so she would not forget that smell. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep and am crying as I type this. lol I laugh as I cry because I know all mothers go through this. I do not want to be spared this feeling. I have loved Kayla since the day she was conceived and would be sad if I had any other feeling. There is no relief she is gone, there is no joy of not worrying where she is at, no gladness that I cannot see her roll her eyes when I ask something she thinks is unreasonable. There is joy that she is independent enough to go away from her family and boyfriend who she knows loves and accepts her, to try the world on her own. There is pride that she wants to find out who she is and what she is made of and explore a new world.

I love her so much that I am so willing to experience these feelings so that she can find her wonderful self! She is so amazing I would not want anything less for her.  I know how much God loves her and will be with her each step of the way.  She loves Jesus and will experience Him in a new way in her new place (I cannot call it her new home) lol.

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11 days

My baby is leaving in 11 days. Oh joy, some may say, not me. For me it is so hard to imagine not having her around on a daily basis. It is the little things I will miss, not getting to make her food, sharing a Fresca, laughing at Candy, buying earrings together. Loving her is easy, letting her go is hard.

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Kayla is leaving in three weeks.  I am so excited for her.  I want her to get what she is looking for and more.  I know God has a special plan for her.

On one hand it is hard to let go, did I say extremely hard, but on the other, I want her to leap out into the world and to explore the world while she has no commitments.  It is hard to realize that as much as she loves us, she wants to leave us and go do her on thing.  I can still remember that feeling when I was going away and understand it intellectually but my heart is sad because our house will not be the same.  There will be a hole that only she can plug.

On the other hand, and the unselfish part of me, I want her to feel like, HEY WORLD KAYLA INGRAM IS HERE.  I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! I want her to explore herself and the many different aspects of culture and life outside Woodstock and the Ingram family.  I know she will bring back something that will not only change her, but our family, that is exciting to me!

I love her so.

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