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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Gloom–I love that word :)

 

One of the hardest things has been for me to accept that I disobeyed God’s word, I sowed seeds of disobedience and have reaped some hard labor, chains, prison (in my mind) and that God is willing to deliver me and set me free.  When I cry out to Him, He delivers me from my distress and breaks the chains that bind my heart and mind.  My natural self says I  don’t deserve His mercy and His rescue, I made mistakes and should be punished for the next ten years.  

He has been waiting for me to call on Him and so He could bring me out of my deepest gloom.  (Gloom is a great word for where I have been)  I am so humbled that He is so loving and forgiving.

It is important to know, my circumstances have not really changed that much, I don’t see any easy resolve on a day to day basis, BUT my prospective has changed,  I see God, His love, His patience, His hand of mercy.    I am truly blessed, things really could be worse. 

My joy today is not that there is no problem, my joy is that God has been merciful and kind.  He has been a loving Father who have forgiven and not given us what we deserve.    I see over and over how He delivered people and set their feet on higher ground.  I cannot stay depressed when I look at the past miracles He has REPEATEDLY performed for me and mine.  I must press on, believe in the unseen, trust in my Faithful Father.  I don’t know what He has instore, It may take ten years to resolve my problem BUT I know there will be joy, peace and love with God my Father walking with me.

Psalms 107

for they had rebelled against the words of God

and despised the counsel of the Most High.

So he subjected them to bitter labor;

they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

THEN THEY CRIED TO THE LORD IN THEIR TROUBLE,

AND HE SAVED THEM FROM THEIR DISTRESS.

HE BROUGHT THEM OUT OF DARKNESS AND

THE DEEPEST GLOOM

AND BROKE AWAY THEIR CHAINS.

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Psalm 107:4-14

Some wandered in desert wastelands,

finding no way to a city where they could settle.

They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,

prisoners suffering in iron chains,

for they had rebelled against the words of God

and despised the counsel of the Most High.

So he subjected them to bitter labor;

they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

THEN THEY CRIED TO THE LORD IN THEIR TROUBLE,

AND HE SAVED THEM FROM THEIR DISTRESS.

HE BROUGHT THEM OUT OF DARKNESS AND

THE DEEPEST GLOOM

AND BROKE AWAY THEIR CHAINS.

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I would apologize for being so honest but that is why I started blogging. I wanted somewhere that I could be real and explore the ups and downs of my journey towards a closer walk with God and finding out who He originally made me to be.

I love reading happy blogs, I love having a happy site, but for me right now that is not always real.

Right now I am pushing on. My circumstances really have not changed for the better but I must continue to find ways to push on towards joy and peace. There are a lot of great things in my life that I am truly thankful for and that keeps me going. I am trying to departmentalize so that I do not let the negative infect my entire day.

I know God is with me. I know He is using these situations to bring me to a new place. I have such a range of emotions and really want to keep feeling. No stuffing these feelings with anger, food, exercise or spending. I want to enjoy all three of those so I do not want any of them to be out of balance. I have no money to spend so that makes that one easy, lol. I have not been exercising and that is not balance for me. I am working on that one. The eating is at a pretty good place. I go from very angry to weeping to numb. Numb keeps me in the game of life, angry is not pretty and weeping is just not fun!

I do find joy in my children, my friends and my job right now. My job gives me a structures that keeps me from thinking to much. My children are like balm to my heart. Their love makes it easier to breathe and keep moving. My friend Rob knows when to push and when to shove and when to listen. I need all sides of her. My God just keeps gently reminding me that He is beside me.

I really don’t have time to break down. I need to push on, keep moving and I think I will be okay. Wallowing in self pity really does not look pretty on me. :0)

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It has been a hard week on every level, God, homework, work, finances, marriage, friends with losses, exercise, eating. You name it and I have struggled with it. I feel panic rise up and it is hard to breathe some moments. The good thing is I know God is real in each of those situations and willing to meet me, I just cannot seem to reach Him. I am old enough to know this too shall pass. I just hate it at the moment. My energy level is low, my heart is sad and it is hard to keep moving. I am thankful I have Candace at home that demands that I keep moving, to me that is a gift from God. I can be down for myself, but I don’t want to let my kids down. For me that is a safety net that keeps me from spiraling to low.

I am not sure what to do but keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my heart today and I will pray for yours.

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