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Posts Tagged ‘emotional healing’

I would apologize for being so honest but that is why I started blogging. I wanted somewhere that I could be real and explore the ups and downs of my journey towards a closer walk with God and finding out who He originally made me to be.

I love reading happy blogs, I love having a happy site, but for me right now that is not always real.

Right now I am pushing on. My circumstances really have not changed for the better but I must continue to find ways to push on towards joy and peace. There are a lot of great things in my life that I am truly thankful for and that keeps me going. I am trying to departmentalize so that I do not let the negative infect my entire day.

I know God is with me. I know He is using these situations to bring me to a new place. I have such a range of emotions and really want to keep feeling. No stuffing these feelings with anger, food, exercise or spending. I want to enjoy all three of those so I do not want any of them to be out of balance. I have no money to spend so that makes that one easy, lol. I have not been exercising and that is not balance for me. I am working on that one. The eating is at a pretty good place. I go from very angry to weeping to numb. Numb keeps me in the game of life, angry is not pretty and weeping is just not fun!

I do find joy in my children, my friends and my job right now. My job gives me a structures that keeps me from thinking to much. My children are like balm to my heart. Their love makes it easier to breathe and keep moving. My friend Rob knows when to push and when to shove and when to listen. I need all sides of her. My God just keeps gently reminding me that He is beside me.

I really don’t have time to break down. I need to push on, keep moving and I think I will be okay. Wallowing in self pity really does not look pretty on me. :0)

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Patched

Today I was driving outside my neighborhood and my daughter noted that they had patched the road. We had huge potholes that caused much displeasure with my husband who had hit one and had a flat tire. The road is tarred and the patches were concrete. The conctrete was rough and really did not look that great but it served a purpose. When you drive over it you feel the difference but at least there is not a hole.

I think of the scars on my body and in my soul and ponder the purpose that they serve. The scars on the outside took away extra skin but left scars that sometimes hurt because of the scar tissue. When I see them or feel them they are reminders of the past and of the pain. I know when I bump something with my arm because the scar tissue does not give and it hurts. If you have never had physical scar tissue it is hard to explain how it feels. It does not give. Your body part moves one way and it does not move. You feel like someone is trying to slowly peel a thick adhesive tape off your body and it won’t move.

The scars on the inside are the same. I look better on the outside but the scar tissue of painful past experiences hurt when people bump into those scars. They do not always know why their action hurts me so badly because they only see their action and not the layers below where there are scars. Sometimes I don’t even know why things hurt.

This week a co-worker said a crude comment. I work with young men and they say things all the time. I just block it out and go on. But this morning I asked him to stop and he then proceeded to say it with a vengance. Something inside of me welled up and I stomped out. When I came back in I told him I did not like what he was saying and would he please stop when I say stop. He was shocked at my outrage, he knew I had heard and probably said worse. When I went home I felt like I had over reacted and I began to ponder why. As I prayed about it the Lord reminded me of times when I had asked for things and I felt like no one was listening. I did not feel heard or respected.

I do think we heal but I also think we have scars and some painful scar tissue that remind us of past hurts. I believe the Lord can miraculously heal us and we have no pain or scars, but I don’t think that happens often. I think our scars keep us humble. There are places I have scars and no scar tissue. The skin moves easily and there is only the cosmetic appearance, no pain. Then I have some scars that are still numb after three years. There is no feeling associated with those scars. I thank God for the many many hurts He has healed that I feel no pain. Sometimes the scars are so faint that they disappear and I cannot find them. I love those kind of emotional healings.

I know I am rambling but I don’t have it all worked out just yet. 🙂

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