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Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

I would apologize for being so honest but that is why I started blogging. I wanted somewhere that I could be real and explore the ups and downs of my journey towards a closer walk with God and finding out who He originally made me to be.

I love reading happy blogs, I love having a happy site, but for me right now that is not always real.

Right now I am pushing on. My circumstances really have not changed for the better but I must continue to find ways to push on towards joy and peace. There are a lot of great things in my life that I am truly thankful for and that keeps me going. I am trying to departmentalize so that I do not let the negative infect my entire day.

I know God is with me. I know He is using these situations to bring me to a new place. I have such a range of emotions and really want to keep feeling. No stuffing these feelings with anger, food, exercise or spending. I want to enjoy all three of those so I do not want any of them to be out of balance. I have no money to spend so that makes that one easy, lol. I have not been exercising and that is not balance for me. I am working on that one. The eating is at a pretty good place. I go from very angry to weeping to numb. Numb keeps me in the game of life, angry is not pretty and weeping is just not fun!

I do find joy in my children, my friends and my job right now. My job gives me a structures that keeps me from thinking to much. My children are like balm to my heart. Their love makes it easier to breathe and keep moving. My friend Rob knows when to push and when to shove and when to listen. I need all sides of her. My God just keeps gently reminding me that He is beside me.

I really don’t have time to break down. I need to push on, keep moving and I think I will be okay. Wallowing in self pity really does not look pretty on me. :0)

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Coming to terms

I keep blogging that everything is perspective, then I get discouraged about something else and forget to look at it from all views.  I have been very discouraged about Candace and her struggles with school.  I can see where I have not been involved with her education in the past.  I relied on Keith and Kayla to take care of it.  I really had a blind eye to it all.  Now Keith has a new job and Kayla is gone.  GUESS WHAT, I am all that is left!  I have felt bad for her and felt bad about my lack of helping and input into her life.  (And I am not just talking about adademics)   I abdicated a lot to other people.  I was going through a huge metaphorisis and some of my parenting got put to the side and I let others do it.  I have been feeling really guilty about that and was feeling really bad about myself.  It had been all about me for a long time.    The last nine months I have been getting refocused but it is hard now to look back and  to see how much I let go.  Anyway, in my discouragement I was praying and the Lord told me that He was my Redeemer and that I cannot change the past, but He could use me in the future in new ways to help my kids.  I felt this peace flood my heart.  It was like He said, All is not lost, I am going to restore and make better these relationships.  I am excited now.  I am not dreading Candace’s struggles.  I know God is going to use me to help her in many ways.

Kayla is another story.  She probably got the brunt of the changes that I went through.  Her mom was totally different, self centered for the first time, not as approachable, looking outside the home at others, had new friends, interest and a new career     For a time I was possessed with myself and my changes.  Gradually I got more balanced but I know it was not a good feeling for a 13 year old.  Again, the guilt has been enormous for me.  I know Kayla was happy for me but it was very tramatic for her.  She has been oh so kind and forgiving but I worry about the long term effects to her heart.  Yet, again, God has told me I cannot change the past but He can use me in her future.  The hard part for me is that she is 18, away at college, a very independent woman who loves the Lord.  She does not need me the same as Candace.  I lost some precious time with my child but am trusting the Lord He will use me in her future.

Reaping is hard but is also joyous.  I am reaping from the past, but I am sowing for the future and that gives me hope.   🙂

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Those happy days

I was thinking about my blog and all the emotional stuff I have been writing about; I was thinking about the last year and what a tough year it has been for me emotionally and spiritually. I had about four good years, there were obstacles to overcome but I was flying high from my weight loss and new career. I was excited about life.

I remember last summer when things started to unravel for me in a close relationship and it was a low blow. I was having a hard time and then received another blow. Both blows were not others faults it was a time of reckoning for me and a time for God to bring me to my knees. I had let some people down and they told me about it. Only God knows how I strive to please people and how important it is to me. To have failed some of the people I love most in the world knocked me off my feet. If I could not love them, I did not feel I could love anyone. My perfectionist spirit was devastated. I decided that I needed to close myself off from people. Love my little family and love my job and move on. At the time it was really the only way I could function. I would go to work and love my clients and then I would go home and love my family. I cried every time I went to church. I hated the worship. My soul was in complete dispare. I had never felt such depth of sadness. I was a failure in the thing I cared the most about.

Then last September a long time issue my husband and I had been working on hit me on the other side. I told him, I can’t do my part, you are going to have to do it for us both. Well guess what, he couldn’t do it either. It is his “thing” that God is using to bring him to his knees. Well my thing meet his thing and we are a mess, lol. It has been a year of saying we truly love each other, accept each other’s “thing” but not leaving it alone, trying to move forward but taking three steps back every time we take a baby step forward. It has been excurciatingly painful for us both. Only because I have my own “thing” that dogs me constantly can it give me the compassion and grace to love him through his “thing”. We are asking God to take us deeper to figure these “things” out!

All that being said, the good news is some of my relationships have gone to a whole new level. I realized the biggest mistakes in the relationships were my inabilities to be honest and open. I would never tell them how I was feeling or what I needed from them. After I almost lost the relationships I realized at this point I have nothing to lose, be honest and see what happens. WOW, guess what, I allowed them to love me and help me. They have not rejected me, they have showed me unconditional love. I have allowed them to be honest back and it is so exciting to see us both grow. I still have some insecurities but each time I risk I am not disappointed.

Keith’s and my problem is not so easy. The easy part is being committed to loving each other. We are considering getting some counseling to work on our “things” and maybe give us a boost.

I remember having a light step and being excited to get up every morning. The last year has not been so much. lol. When I met Keith 28 years ago I remember telling my mom that I was so happy I was scared, it seemed to good to be true. My wise mother said, “enjoy these times, they will be there to get you through the tough times”. Remembering the gooddays has helped me endure the tough days.

My job now it to start to see things in a more positive slant. Not let the “thing” have more power in my life than it deserves. I want to be healed, I want to move on!

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I have recently realized that there are things I have wanted others (husband, family, friends) to give me that I thought would make me feel secure and significant.  If they just….. spent more time with me, came home on time,  said the right thing, called just the right amount,  made me feel like they accepted me like I am,  asked the right questions, seemed interested in what I was thinking or feeling, know what I want and do it.    I have just started to realize that my security and significance can NEVER be realized through others.  (I did not realize the burden I put on my relationships with my expectations)  They could do everything on the list and it would not make me feel secure or significant.  It is a GOD thing.  Only my relationship with Him and allowing Him to heal my heart can  give me security and signficance.  Figuring that out has only taken me 46 years, lol.  I read the book Search for Significance years ago.  I am thinking I need to re-read that book, ask God to do some work on my heart and show me the root of my insecurities.  I am sure those around me will feel relieved to not carry the burden of my self-image. 🙂

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I cried and I cried

Okay, yesterday was not a good day. My sister always talks about getting in touch with your sadness, well I got in touch with it and held on to it ALL DAY. I cried because I missed my daughter who went to college, I cried because I have been married 27 years next week and we do not have marriage perfected, I cried because my legs were fat, I cried because Keith was kind and understanding. I cried because he apologized and said he understood my feelings. Okay, if you are not tired by now, just know I was exhausted by noon. I am not really good about taking my make-up off and never take my mascara off, well trust me when I say it all was off by ten. I sat on the back porch and drank a half gallon of coffee and watched the leaves sway in the wind and cried some more.

Keith sat with me, held me and tried to think of soothing words. I must say my soul needed some soothing. We watched a movie, (From the Hip) and old Judd Nelson movie, if you have never seen it, it is worth a rent, and then at 5:00 I took off my pajamas and took a bath. I was not really sure I had the energy to take my pjs off and get into the bath. My face looked ninety years old. I had dark circles under my puffy eyes, my skin was squeaky clean and in dire need of make-up. I was afraid to put clothes on because if they did not fit, I would have started crying all over again. Being in a completely self destructive frame of mind, I dug in my closet and found jean capris i was sure would not fit and stuffed myself in them. Truly, it made me feel a little better because they buttoned, truthfully though, had I worn them for an extended period of time I probably would have had to have them surgically extracted, BUT they did fit. After I dried my hair, found clothes that fit comfortably, put on make-up Keith and I went for a drive and got some dinner. My heart was a little lighter.

In retrospect, I was pretty pitiful. Filled with self loathing, self pity and many negative thoughts. It is not a day I am proud of or want to relive any time soon, but I think I had let a lot of things build up and had not taken care of my heart so it was inevitable. I can honestly say I was in touch with my sadness and can laugh about it today. Many of my thoughts were true but I took them and twisted and distorted them. The truth is not what hurt me, sorrow is not a bad thing, what was bad was when I took it further than the truth and did not give it to God.  God could have helped me separate the two.  I had some disappointments that were valid and I know God would have comforted me had I let Him.   I am glad I have not had a day like that in a long long time.  Today is a new day, same problems, fresh perspective and God beside me.

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Sunday lunch

I miss Kayla at the oddest moments. Wells of emotions come up from no where, they catch me, grab my heart and squeeze.

This summer before Kayla left for college last week we did not see her a lot. (I think she was trying to get us used to her not being around, lol) When I left for work she was a sleep, when I came home she was up and ready to go out. We ate some lunches together, she was home some for dinner, and we shopped together for college needs. The pool was fun for Candace, Kayla and I, but usually she was ready to go explore the city with Joseph and Joe.

There was no pattern this summer when we would see Kayla EXCEPT every Sunday lunch. Kayla went to her church, we went to ours and then we all came home and ate lunch together and usually hung out together. It was never an elaborate lunch. Many days we made a simple lunch of sandwiches, salads or tuna fish. We usually fixed it together and then we three girls went to the pool or shopping. Eating lunch at home on Sunday has been the one constant we have had over the last year.

As I was laying in bed this morning I was planning the day and what we would have for lunch. I did not realize until then that she would not be home for lunch today. WOW, I never thought Sunday lunch would be so emotional for me. I am weeping as I write this and realize once again the depth of my love for Sissy.

Candace is sick today so her and I did not go to church today, we will need to find something to eat around here, but I can tell you next Sunday after church we will probably stop at Wendy’s or Moes on the way home.  For a while, I don’t think I want to eat Sunday lunch at home.

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11 days

My baby is leaving in 11 days. Oh joy, some may say, not me. For me it is so hard to imagine not having her around on a daily basis. It is the little things I will miss, not getting to make her food, sharing a Fresca, laughing at Candy, buying earrings together. Loving her is easy, letting her go is hard.

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