Posts Tagged ‘feelings of a mother’

I used to try and feel the correct emotion. Now I know if it is an emotion it is just how you feel. It does not mean they are rational, true or something you have to live your life by, but it is a mirror of your heart and things that are going.

We took Kayla to school yesterday and I was flooded with emotions. I would keep them under control and then a dam would break and they would coming flooding out. It was that way pretty much until I fell a sleep.

As I was following a sleep last night I remembered one more moment from the day. Kayla and I were in front of her closet and she was hanging up her jeans. As she hung up a pair she smelled them and said, Ah, they smell like home. At the time it was sweet but it did not sink in until I was laying in bed thinking about her and our day. I realized that as time goes on she will wash those jeans and they will smell like her new home. I wanted to immediately send her something that would “smell like home” so she would not forget that smell. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep and am crying as I type this. lol I laugh as I cry because I know all mothers go through this. I do not want to be spared this feeling. I have loved Kayla since the day she was conceived and would be sad if I had any other feeling. There is no relief she is gone, there is no joy of not worrying where she is at, no gladness that I cannot see her roll her eyes when I ask something she thinks is unreasonable. There is joy that she is independent enough to go away from her family and boyfriend who she knows loves and accepts her, to try the world on her own. There is pride that she wants to find out who she is and what she is made of and explore a new world.

I love her so much that I am so willing to experience these feelings so that she can find her wonderful self! She is so amazing I would not want anything less for her.  I know how much God loves her and will be with her each step of the way.  She loves Jesus and will experience Him in a new way in her new place (I cannot call it her new home) lol.


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