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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY

My last gynogologiest exam I had was quite an experience. I went right when I left work and waited for quite a while. When I went in for the exam the nurse left me my little paper sheet and told me to get fully undressed. I undressed and waited some more. Of course, I forgot to get a magazine so I was looking around and saw a big thing of wipes. I then got the bright idea that I might need to refresh myself for the doctor so I got off the table got a wipe and proceed to clean myself. BAD idea. My little lady (that is what we call “it” in our house) was on FIRE. I truly thought I was going to scream the pain was so intense. I quickly read the wipe bottle and it said anti-bacterial wipes for external use only. I think they must be there for them to clean the tables off, not humans! Hmmm, maybe it was not such a good idea. The pain lasted for a couple of minutes and I was so afraid the doctor was going to see a red swollen little lady. I was quite embarrassed but after waiting so long the pain decreased and I guess the redness did also. Painful lesson! Surely I learned my lesson and would never do anything that stupid again?

Yesterday I went for a massage. I have hip issues and I thought maybe a massage would help. I had been at work and did not take a shower before I went for the massage. In the past I always want to make sure my feet don’t stink so after I take my tennis shoes off I use their anti-bacterial hand sanitizer on my feet. I am able to relax and know my feet smell fresh.

Well yesterday I got the bright idea to use the HAND sanitizer to make sure I smelled fresh EVERYWHERE. BAD IDEA! I put some on a tissue and proceed to quickly sponge bath myself. It only took at 15 seconds for me to feel like my little lady was on FIRE and wanted to do a little dance to cool it off. The pain did not last long, but it was intense and long enough that I would NEVER ever do it again. Needless to say, I felt fresh!

Maybe I have truly learned my lesson this time. I will let you know!

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Screaming

I am 46 years old and work with mostly 20 something males. They are fun, rarely serious, very irreverent about most things and lovable on some level. They LOVE to scare me. The truth is I scare easily. I am a very focused person and so whatever I am doing I am totally engrossed in the moment. I may be on the computer, on the cardio deck, reading a book or watching TV, but whatever it is, I am very into that moment. Scaring me is not hard for them; they walk in the room and speak, tap me on the shoulder while I am listening to music doing cardio, working on the computer. I don’t just let out a peep, oh no, I let out a blood curdling scream that usually scares them and everyone around me. It is very embarrassing. The guys get a good laugh.

I have had clients come up to me while I am doing cardio and tap me and I go crazy with my scream. Besides scaring them to death, embarrassing them and myself, I have people afraid something bad has happened. The trainers around let them know, “oh no, it is just Ruth”. Of course, the first time one of them scares me they are shocked and cannot believe someone can scream like that in the middle of the day over a tap on the shoulder and they now feel it is their duty to cure me of screaming and they are brats who love to hear me. It is constant. I hear boo around every corner.

I wish I could tell you I am cured and no longer scream, but the truth is, I think I will always be a screamer. I scream at movies, roaches, and mice.  I am not sure why I scare so easily but they are all lucky I do not exercise with a gun because they would be dead many times over!

Are you a screamer?  What makes you scream?

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