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Posts Tagged ‘inner child’

Alone

I can see myself looking out our front door window. There was a storm and I was all alone. I was afraid. That is my oldest memory. It was before I was five. In fifth grade my parents left for a month on a mission trip. I stayed with my best friends family. I remember looking out the window feeling so alone. I missed my parents terrible but I did not want anyone to know. I did not want to hurt Janet’s family. When I was overweight I always saw myself looking at the world through little holes. I always felt alone.

The odd thing is that I have always had a lot of friends. I appeared an open book. I was always telling people my faults and weaknesses but I realize now I never told them my fears, dreams or hurts. My sister told me one time that every one thinks I am sweet and nice but I was not. Somehow I have taken that and kept anything unpleasant inside me. I want people to like me and think I am nice. I have twisted honesty into not being nice, which is a lie. Not giving people the opportunity to respond to you when you share honestly is doing you and them a great disservice.

My thoughts are a little jumbled right now, but I will continue to work them out, I just know I must risk and be honest or lose part of myself and a great opportunity for true ADULT relationships. Keeping it all inside leaves you very alone.

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The sky if falling

Today has been a great day. I risked big and won big. I am amazed at the lies I believe. I keep my true feelings and thoughts hidden so no one else can see me and what I perceive to be wrong with me. I have believed Satan that if people really knew me they would not like me. If I told them they hurt my feelings or made me feel uncomfortable they would reject me. Guess what I realize they might reject me but greater chance they will be honest back. I think I am afraid they will be honest back and I think I cannot take their true feelings.

I went to lunch with Rob and talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes. The more I shared my true self I felt like it allowed her to share her true self. We dug around a lot of feelings we were having and it helped me realize several things…

1. I am not alone.

2. I am not being childish but childlike in my feelings. When I said them out loud to Robin they did sound a little silly but she pointed out it was the heart of a child. It made me realize their is a child inside of me that needs some healing.

3. It is never to late to heal.

4. Risking is so much better than the depressing alternative. Life stops when I stop risking.

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