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Posts Tagged ‘Mother’

once again

I have been really down and had talked myself into a corner.  I called my mother and started to unload all my woes.  After I finished telling her all the reasons I was miserable I said, I just cannot handle this.  I cannot do it.  There are no answers.”  My mother said,  “First, don’t ever again say you cannot handle something because God is inside of you and and you are basically saying that God cannot handle the situation.”  She continues to give me advice but her voice began to fade because all I could concentrate on was that first sentence.  I realized how right she was.  I had said I knew God was there but I just could not seem to reach Him.  I know that whether I feel Him or see His hands on my life that He is there.  I silently asked God to forgive me and to give me His perspective.   My mom finished up and I told her how right she was and that it was once again just what I needed.

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It is so embarrassing to tell this story. I am a little more responsible than I was 10 years ago and I am proud I have grown. I do have a bad habit of keeping things longer than I am supposed to, (library books, videos, DVDs etc.) So I have paid many a late fee over the course of my 27 years of marriage and 46 years of living.
When Kayla was small I used to take her to the public library. We had late books but I guess at some point we had books that were never found. I had a fine of 50 something dollars on each account and we could not afford to pay it. Kayla was between 3-5. So we just quit going to the library. One time when she was in elementary school we went to try to check out books and had a huge fine and we could not pay it or check out the books. I have never gone back. I have always felt guilty about the fact I owed money and that I could not take my kids to the library.
Candace came home yesterday and had not checked out a book for reading and the idea popped up in my head, “Lets go to the PUBLIC LIBRARY”. She was thrilled. It is only two miles from our house. I decided I would pay whatever fines we had so we had a clean slate and could be upstanding citizens and check out library books again. Candace is 10 and I have never taken her to the library. There I said it, the shame is great for me and I was determined to live through the shame in front of the librarian.
We went, found three great books for her and then went to check out. I told the librarian we had not been in years, gave her my driver’s license and held my breathe. She look for a while and said she did not have us on file. (That means ZERO fines, clean slate) We both got cards we both checked out books with our new library cards!
Candace's and my new public library cards

Candace's & my Public Library Cards

I think there are many things in life that we anticipate as terrible and then we go and they are minor or nothing at all. I have had a clean bill with the Cherokee County Library for I don’t know how long and was feeling guilty for years. What a waste. The greatest shame is I did not feel comfortable in taking my kids to the library because of something that was not even there. I am wondering what other things I am putting off, what smoke screens are keeping me stuck? I am going to explore and see about blowing the smoke away. I am going to have courage to step out and see what happens. I will let you know what I find.

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